I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
