To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
