My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
