Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
