first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
