mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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