I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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