my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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