I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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