i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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