There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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