1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
