During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
