everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Actions speak louder than pants.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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