We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
