I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
