What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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