how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
