I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
