I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
