I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize