I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
