She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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