oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
