You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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