Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
