I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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