This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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