can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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