Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
