The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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