This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
