i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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