i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
It was confusing and full of hummus
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
What a dumb baby whore.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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