Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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