You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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