I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
