does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
