I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
