i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
