I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
