Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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