Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Green mimosas i think yes
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
