A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
