Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
