**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
