then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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