Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
