Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
