I faked an abortion last night.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize