I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
