You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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