Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize