The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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