Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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