he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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