I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize